In 2024, 118 children already entrusted to the family or for adoption returned to a shelter. The term is horrible, but it is what it is – these are children returned to the protection system.
We are talking about children who, after experiencing abandonment, neglect or mistreatment, are once again handed over to institutions — this time, by those who promised to be family. They are children who lived with the hope of a home, of a lap, of belonging. And that, suddenly, they return to being “cases”, “processes”, “numbers”.
The “return” of children during the pre-adoption period, or even after the adoption is formalized, is a phenomenon that forces us to stop and reflect. Not just about the child’s suffering, but also about what failed in the system, in preparation and monitoring.
There is no adoption without a bond. And there is no bond without time, without emotional availability, without the ability to deal with the trauma that many of these children carry. Adoption is not an act of charity, nor is it a response to a selfish desire for parenthood. It is, above all, a deep commitment to the history, wounds and unique needs of each child.
Therefore, it is urgent to look at adoption candidates in more depth. Not to exclude them, but to prepare them. To help them understand that the child who arrives is not a blank sheet of paper. That you may be afraid to love, to trust, to be loved. That can test limits, reject affection and repeat patterns learned in contexts of suffering.
Adoption candidates need:
· Specialized training, which goes beyond legal and administrative aspects. They need to understand the impact of trauma, the challenges of bonding, the expected and unexpected reactions.
· Continuous psychological support, before, during and after the adoption process. Not just for the child, but also for the adults who welcome them.
· Support networks, where they can share doubts, fears, achievements and frustrations. Where they don’t feel alone when everything seems to fall apart.
· Time and space to build the bond, without external pressure, without unrealistic expectations, without romanticization.
· Ability to listen and emotional flexibility, to welcome the child as he is — and not as he was idealized to be.
Adoption is an opportunity for reconstruction, but it will only be so if it is done with truth, preparation and support. Returning a child is not just a failure of the foster project. It is a new wound opened in a heart that has already known too many losses.
May we do better and protect more, because we need to prepare to welcome but also take care to stay.
Clinical and forensic psychologist, family and couples therapist