Dear Miss Manners: Almost three decades ago, my husband committed a serious crime. He faced the consequences, served his sentence, and has since built a peaceful and responsible life. He took full responsibility and worked hard to be a devoted husband and Christian.
Yet even after all these years, whenever his past comes up—whether whispered by neighbors or openly known by acquaintances—people seem to see only the crime, not the person he’s become. Some act like they have the right to ask me about it, while others avoid us altogether.
How can I respond with dignity when people insist on defining my husband by a mistake he made decades ago instead of the life he’s built since then?
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners is struck by how many people adore “Les Miserables” without being upset by its central charge: that it is society’s ultimate hypocrisy to equate serving one’s time with forgiveness.
But even if society were truly forgiving, there are many types of serious crimes. Being forgiven by society and being forgiven by victims are different things.
Maintaining your dignity with your husband’s former crime victims who now want to keep their distance is a simple matter: Respect that wish. For those who want to confront you, depending on how they do it, it may be necessary to create some distance – with as much respect and humility as you can muster.
This does not apply to the merely curious. They’re just plain rude, which means it’s time to excuse yourself from the conversation.
Note the crucial difference between what Miss Manners is saying and what you asked: While it is commendable that your husband’s behavior has changed, there is no need to invite people to judge your husband by his behavior, whether past or present—and Miss Manners is cynical enough to think that nothing good will come of it.
(Send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or by mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
COPYRIGHT 2025 JUDITH MARTIN
DISTRIBUTED BY ANDREWS MCMEEL SYNDICATION
1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106; 816-581-7500
Leave a Reply