“I like to pray and go to church, but dad says that God doesn’t exist and that it’s all a puppet.” “Mom doesn’t want me to go to Church meetings with Dad, so we go secretly.” These real and frequent outbursts show how many children live torn between two worlds when separated parents have opposing views on religion.
Portuguese law does not exhaustively define what “issues of particular importance” are, but doctrine and jurisprudence have been implementing this concept and pointing out clear examples: decisions about health, education, residence and also religious education, at least up to the age of 16. In reality, however, many children end up being introduced into religious contexts on the initiative of one of the parents, without the other having knowledge or giving their consent, which generates tensions that go beyond the legal plane and enter directly into the emotional field.
Religion can be a source of meaning, belonging and values, but it can also become a terrain of conflict when two separated parents defend radically different positions. One encourages religious participation, values rituals and transmits faith as something important, while the other ridicules these practices, devalues belief or openly criticizes “that God”. For the child, who loves both and depends emotionally on both, this opposition is not just a difference of opinion – it is an impossible dilemma.
Without the maturity to resolve loyalty conflicts, the child feels that any choice involves displeasing someone they love. This internal tension can manifest itself as identity confusion, fear of expressing opinions, fear of being criticized or ridiculed, and a tendency to hide what one thinks or feels. You learn to silence doubts and curiosities, not because you don’t have them, but because you realize that the topic is emotionally dangerous.
The problem becomes worse when religion stops being a personal choice and starts being used as a weapon in coparenting. When one parent involves a child in religious practices without the other parent’s consent, or when faith – or lack thereof – serves to devalue the other parent, the child is not learning about spirituality or freedom of conscience. You are being placed at the center of a dispute that does not belong to you. And that has costs.
Research and clinical practice show that these children can develop low self-esteem, difficulty trusting their own thoughts, and increased anxiety. Some reject religion altogether in the future, not out of conviction, but because they associate it with conflict. Others adhere rigidly to one position as a way of pleasing a parent or finding some emotional stability. In both cases, the choice is no longer free.
The most harmful thing is not the difference in beliefs, but the hostility, ridicule and instrumentalization of the child. When one parent makes fun of or humiliates the beliefs promoted by the other, the child feels that part of themselves is being attacked. And when you are pressured to choose a side, you lose the possibility of building your own spiritual identity in a safe and autonomous way.
What protects children is simple, but requires adult maturity: mutual respect, even without agreement; consistent messages about freedom of choice; and the guarantee that she does not need to be an arbitrator, messenger or ideological trophy.
When both parents are able to convey that “we think differently, but we both love you and you can form your own opinion”, the child grows up with space to explore, question and build their path (religious or not), without fear of disappointing anyone.
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