Because self-expansion is the key to long-lasting love and friendship

Think back to the great loves of your life, and you might recall a heady time when every day seemed to sparkle with new possibilities. It was like being reborn and looking at yourself and the world around you anew—a dizzying metamorphosis that was as endearing as it was destabilizing.

I’m not just being sentimental. A growing body of psychological research shows that our best relationships, whether platonic or romantic, are characterized by an exciting sense of growth. We fall in love with people who broaden our horizons and help us become a better version of ourselves. And if we want our love to last, we have to work hard to maintain that growth.

This idea – known as self-expansion theory – is a brainchild Arthur and Elaine Aaronhusband and wife researchers at Stony Brook University in New York who first proposed it in 1986. mid ninetiesasked students to answer the open-ended question “Who are you today?” use as many words or phrases as possible. As might be expected, many students began dating during the study period, and when they did, they began to use much different terms in their descriptions: their understanding of themselves literally expanded as their partners helped them discover new aspects of themselves.

These changes were also evident in formal psychological questionnaires. Students in budding relationships began to develop greater self-esteem, which reflects feelings of self-worth, and higher self-esteem, which captures one’s perception of their own abilities.

Self-expansion research has it has only accelerated in the last decadewith a number of studies examining this concept in different populations such as group members LGBTQ+ community. In each case, feelings of personal growth were accompanied by greater passion, commitment, sexual desire for a partner, and overall relationship satisfaction.

It may even determine the couple’s longevity together. There are many possible reasons for ending a relationship, but Brent Mattingly at Ursinus College in Pennsylvania and his colleagues showed that young couples with higher levels of self-expansion at the beginning of the study were less likely to consider breaking up over the next nine months. Meanwhile, other research has shown that people who experience low levels of self-expansion are, on the contrary more likely to think about cheating.

The effects of self-expansion can even be seen in firing our neuronsaccording to a study published two years ago by researchers at Renmin University of China. Over a seven-month period, they saw that people who experienced greater self-expansion produced higher levels of synchronization with their partner’s neural activity. They were literally more likely to think on the same wavelength.

How you and your partner can grow together

Couples can encourage self-expansion in many ways. Through conversation, they introduce each other to new ideas and ways of looking at the world that may not have been obvious before, and their mutual encouragement it helps each person attempt challenges that may have seemed unthinkable before. You might never have thought of writing a novel or starting a startup, for example, if your partner hadn’t encouraged you to follow your dreams.

They may even come to watch as the couple’s lives become intertwined themselves as a whole with pooled resources so that our partner’s talents—such as creativity—begin to feel like our own. This is known as “incorporating the other into the self” – and is really another form of self-expansion. If my partner is an artist, I might consider myself a bit more creative by mere association; meanwhile, my concerns about climate change could lead them to become more environmentally conscious. We would both discover new aspects of ourselves that weren’t obvious before.

Finally, here are our shared experiences. As a couple, we can find new hobbies or travel to new places that we never tried before we met.

Each of these aspects can offer tips on how to ignite feelings of love and keep the flame burning long-term. We can make sure our conversations are as deep and meaningful as possible, for example to learn more about and about ourselves. It’s no coincidence that the Arons also developed the “36 Questions to Fall in Love” that went viral New York Times column. In the original studies, participants were assigned to strangers and offered a series of discussion points designed to encourage greater self-disclosure, such as:

• Do you have a secret idea of ​​how you will die?
• What, if anything, is too serious to joke about?
• What is your most treasured memory?

In less than an hour, couples discussing these topics report greater intimacy than those engaging in bland talk. (You can read more about this hereat the excellent Greater Good in Action website from the University of California, Berkeley.) This may seem harder in committed relationships, but research suggests that we often overestimate our knowledge of the people closest to us—and we may be surprised by what we discover if we simply take the time to find out what they’re really thinking and feeling.

Second, we can spice up our time together by exploring new places or trying novel activities we’ve never tried before. In a number of studies, Cheryl Harasymchuk at Carleton University in Canada and her colleagues asked people to document their lives with their partners and their feelings about them. They found that the more exciting or unusual their dates were, the greater their feelings of self-expansion and the closer they felt to their lover – a their greatest sexual desire for each other. There is no simple recipe. For some it might be wine tasting; for others stargazing or spelunking. Find a new experience that pushes each of you outside of your comfort zones.

While much of the research has focused on the benefits of self-expansion for relationships, you can reap some of these benefits when flying solo. in 2024 Emine Yücel at Selçuk University and Duygu Dincer at Istanbul Aydin University, both located in Turkey, have shown that self-expansion can enrich our platonic friendships. Some people may even prefer to engage own expansion. Zooming in your view of yourself and your abilities it will be exciting on its own, with or without a partner to cheer you on.

No matter what your relationship is, this Valentine’s Day you can start opening your mind to new opportunities. If you have a loving partner who can share the experience, so much the better – but you don’t have to wait for “the one” to start.

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